HUUUGE UPDATE TIME.

So, Swim Venture laid me off, which I'm sure I already said, but good riddance. I think Todd wanted to get rid of me because I knew too much, and now Melissa isn't allowed to talk to me... Interesting...
But enough of that. I'm just glad to be gone.
Matt tried to stiff me out of a bonus he promised me, but fuck all that shit. I'm not as stupid as they think I am.

Chris and I are still happy as clams, however happy they may be. I don't know what that saying means, really, because all the clams I've come in contact with have been in chowder, and I don't see how they can be happy if they are being eaten... Things are good, I miss him, I love him and I am seeing him on Friday (yay!)

Halloween was... iffy at best. It was supposed to be awesome, but, well...
We got to April's and everyone was getting ready. I put in April's long braids, did Chris' zombie makeup, did April's calavera make up, teased my hair and did my zombie makeup and then we were ready to go (Christian was already wearing his costume).
No drinking or anything for me because I was the D D. We hop on the freeway on our way to Hollywood. We get almost all the way to the 101 and there is an alert that tells us that there is a 90 minute delay because the 101 is jam-packed. So we pulled off the freeway and tried to figure out what to do. I had a text from Rosie earlier that day inviting me to her Halloween party, so I texted her to see if it was still happening and she said yes, so we went from LA to Tustin only to find out we were like the first people there. Awkward. Also, Rosie's boyfriend was all mad that we were there early, thought Shadae had invited us, so he went upstairs and woke Shadae up for no reason and so she was all grumpy and a little rude to us, so we just left and escaped because man, that was just awkward as fuck.
We ended up going back to April's to cap the night off with pizza and beer.


This wasn't Halloween, this was the costume party the week before, same people, same costumes.

Speaking of the costume party, this is one of my favorite pictures of April and I.


Can you see the mischief in our faces? P.S.April's braids are fake and I made them.

Also, I might have a job at my mom's work (Minuteman Plumbing) and I go take my drug test Friday.

In other news, I want to wear dresses forever. Next best thing to being naked. Chris says that if I want to wear dresses, I also have to wear underwear, which is a bit of a set back. But we'll see. I found this great fat girl website called alight.com and it has all kinds of cute dresses. The three I want the most are:


The Black Bandana Dress


Garden of Contrast Dress


This one is the test pattern dress and it is my absolute favorite.


I know I said I was only posting 3, but I couldn't leave this one out. When I have money coming in again, I am going to go on a mini shopping spree. Might have to wait for Springtime to bring these bad boys out, though.

Skylar gifted me his old laptop (Dell Inspiron 1501) which is still quite new, and I'm pretty excited about it. It needs a new battery, though, so I will have to eventually spring for that.

Chris and I opened up a joint checking/savings. I've never had a joint account before! Exciting! I felt like I may have had more to post, but I got all side tracked looking at dresses. 

I'm feeling like I'd like a glass of Ovaltine and to check on my Cafe and farm so ta-ta, puppets.

Good morning!

Time for: 
Shower
Breakfast
Brush teeth
Pack for Mom's
Pack lunch
Fight traffic to work.

Made Melissa this hat today:



Made it while missing little bird and watching Lie to Me.

Also:

Halloween and this:

That's right.

Okay, now time for:

Ok-- not a lot of time to post here, but I figure that it has already been way too long since my last post and I am bad at chronicling when I'm really really happy because when I'm really really happy is also when I'm really really busy.

This weekend, my goal was simple: SLEEP.

I did plenty of that, mixed in with kisses and cuddles, grocery shopping at the 99-cent store on a Friday evening (I don't recommend it), baked cookies, and this apple pie thing that I haven't eaten yet, only dreamed of eating. I think I made a stir fry, too, or was that last weekend? Wait. It was last weekend. I got confused because I made an apple pie then, too. If you could not already tell, I am trying to usher in fall by making apple pie. Soon: Punkin' Pies. Yes. I am going to be obnoxious and call them that.

What else?

Oh, Chris and I are definitely definitely eloping, which I know isn't something you're supposed to tell anybody, but we are mostly telling people so that they know that they are not invited and to quit asking, which makes me sound like a jerk, but that's not the issue. The issue is, I'd like for my wedding to be tiny and meaningful and I do not need 10 or 15 or 30 or even 5 other people there in clothes that make them uncomfortable and making me worry about Things Other Than The Big Day. I want it teeny and private so that no one sees when my mascara runs and no one notices if I do the ugly Oprah cry. Get me?
We are still planning on having a beerception, which in case you didn't know involves mostly beer and friends. Like an aftershock to the wedding earthquake.
Still haven't been brave enough to tell his folks. We're working on it. :)

Room is a complete mess. Laundry everywhere. And shoes. How do I have so many shoes?!

I am not talking to Ashley at all anymore. It was just a final straw type of thing, her sticking her nose where it didn't belong and so finally, I was just over it. She is being self destructive, rude, and selfish and I really don't feel like waiting around for her to snap out of it. I feel like 8 months of abuse (which included her changing plans to exclude me on purpose while a mutual friend was in town visiting, her telling my mother that I was pregnant when I was trying to keep it a secret so I could "take care" of the problem without stressing her out, her talking shit to everyone saying I was jealous and that was why I didn't come over [when really I was just tired of driving 22 miles to her house to hear her 1. whine about how fat she is, 2. throw herself all over some internet random or one of her roommate's friends, 3. listen to her give me advice on what she thinks I should do in my relationship because she is so good at them,] and I number of other things I couldn't give 2 shits about. I just felt like she was always turning everything into a competition and I'm not that kind of girl. I mean, challenge me to bake a cake or a pie or drink a beer faster than you, and I'm game. But compete for some bizarre social life in some game I don't even understand? I'll pass. I tried to explain my reasons to her, but she just thinks it is because I'm jealous that she's spending so much time with Savannah (which isn't the case-- I've known Savannah since grade school, I've known Ashley a little over 2 years-- if they want to hang out fine, but I'm not really super close with either of them). So whatever to that whole situation. She still tries to call my family and try to "get one over" on me or whatever. My mom doesn't answer the phone when she calls.

My hair needs to be longer, but it also needs a trim. I'm thinking about breaking down and trying that Ovation Cell Therapy bullshit for the hair. You never know til you try, right?

Lots of people have been reading my stuff on e2 lately. Makes me almost want to write more. Almost. Finishing lots of books lately and crocheting lots of hats. I made 2 yesterday: a white one for me, and a tri-colored one for Leanne! Hers is cream, beige, and then maroon, looks a bit like Neapolitan ice creams if you ask me.

Chris built me a castle out of Legos, and then this other cool port/house thing. I like the  hidden compartments! I took some neat macro pictures of the latest one and I'll have to post them when I'm not on the verge of being late for work. (I basically need to start getting ready right now and I am still not wearing pants, haven't brushed my hair or anything. I can do that in like 10 minutes though, I'm good at the get-up-and-go.

In other news, Lana moved to TX without us ever really being able to bake, which now means that I have to eventually visit TX, which isn't so bad, because I have family and nieces and nephews there, and they'd all (probably.... mostly) be glad to see me.

Dragged the Martha Stewart Living Cookbook out of retirement, and now all I can think of is making petit fours and tiny savory foods. Might be a phase. Mini pot pies. Might be an affliction.

Been drinking these little yogurt things for breakfast and they are tasty.

Must get car smogged this weekend so that I can complete the registration so that I don't have to worry about being ticketed when I park on the street (3 tickets in 3 weeks--two of them were two days in a row!!) and not have to worry every morning that the sound of the school bus is actually the sound of my car getting towed.
Also, must wash car. Eventually... :) and it could probably use an oil change.

Okay. That will have to do as far as updates go, otherwise, I really will be late for work. I like to leave at 7:45 and get there at 8:30. Gives me time to start my day and whatnot. Plus, I don't have to worry about being late, which is always, always a plus.
Damn, I'm hungry. I would really like to just climb back into bed right now and pull the covers over my head but that might make Todd mad, huh? Me playing hookie, I mean. Okay.
Time to brush teeth/hair/ wash face, put legs in pants and get ready to fight traffic on the 55-S.

Adieu, Lj.

Lately, lots of things have been happening and not happening. A list of pluses and minuses may be in order!

+ decided to elope because everyone else is trying to be the boss of what is happening.
- mom is a little sad about that, but I told her that she can still be my mom and his mother-in-law and I think she was pretty much okay with that.
+ lots of time with Chris, which I really like.
+ been sleeping in a somewhat normal sleep pattern for a day or two.
- weird, unsettling dreams.
+++ Easy Bake Oven.
- making fortune cookies are hard (I used a real oven for them...!)
+ Chris' birthday is tomorrow!
+ San Diego weekend.
+ These cute little tickets I made, because I'm a dork and because I like making dorky things like this:



+ Baking the fortune cookie cake tonight. It's going to be a white cake filled with milk chocolate icing, frosted with fluffy, white frosting and there will pieces of (homemade) chocolate dipped fortune cookies pressed to the sides, complete with a hand-sized fortune cookie with nice, sweet things written inside. I'd like to sneak nonpareils somewhere in there, but I haven't figured out how. While I think on it, here is a picture of one of my cookies:


I liked hand writing mean fortunes, but was over it after like 3 of them. Fortune writing is sucky. Next time, I will just steal some from the internets.

+Visited with Auntie and Poppy and Joshy in Dana Point this weekend, and they all got to meet Chris. (It was a good time, complete with BBQ and dress up). Auntie makes cool shit, and here is Chris wearing some of it:


I didn't know that the devil drank Heineken, but then again.... I'm really not that surprised, either. ;)

Also, mom took pictures of as as sleepy sunburned kids, and I think the message comes across clearly, and her phone does some neat shit, so here it is:


Work is work as usual, I am me as usual, except with more sunglasses. It's about time to put my nose to the grindstone and deal with certain co-workers, so I think this is the end of this post. More soon, especially since we are going to San Diego this weekend (as it says on the ticket I posted... duh)

So... after asking my mom for permission on Sunday...

He kept me in suspense all week until I just decided to let go and quit waiting for it! Plus, Leanne said it took Brad 2 years to ask her after he'd asked permission from Leanne's parents.

But yesterday, he surprised me by asking me to have a seat, kneeling in front of me and...
you know how the rest goes. :)

Tentative date: 01-02-10
Keep them calendars clear.

I know it seems like I haven't been posting, but I have just been posting private journals and writing lots of lovey dovey things that I am keeping to myself.

I'll post a good update when I've got the time to do anything else but have my head in the clouds.

My July 4th weekend was mostly low key.
I was incentivised by my boss to make sure our facilities reached budget, and since they did, my reward was: A PAID DAY OFF! I spent my Friday running errands and being impatient. I finally told the rest of the shit I had to do to fuck off, threw my (almost dry) clothes into plastic bags and hauled ass to Winchester.
Ordinarily, this drive, from Huntington Beach to Winchester, would have taken me..... about 2 hours with the traffic that I dealt with... Somehow, I made it there in an hour and 20 minutes, (thank you, dearest, Neon... for some reason, I have been calling it "Wheezy" in my head).

Chris greeted me with a surprise:


he shaved his goatee off! Hello to his handsome chin!
And! He's growing his hair back, so it's all soft and starting to get long again. It can almost hold water now!

We spent the rest of that Friday hanging out with his sister and his niece and went to bed early, like we usually do. Oh! Another highlight about Friday? I finally got him to try PBR! For those blessed enough to never have had to buy cheap beer, I am speaking of Pabst Blue Ribbon, which normally has a very bad reputation because it is cheap as FUCK. I think its delicious and prefer it to Budweiser, Coors, Miller, or any other piss-colored beer that they sell. PBR forever, please, if I can't have Sam Adams. :)

Saturday morning it was HOT! He made pancakes for breakfast and we spent most of the day socializing with his family. His parents came over for a bit, and that was slightly awkward but over fast (thought almost not fast enough.) They're nice people, his folks, but there was some sort of tension in the room and I was eager for the tension to be gone.
Here are some pictures from that day:


Bright and blurry, but they're still both adorable aren't they?!


Please stop making pancakes and hold her so I can take pictures. Thx.


Anais in my sunglasses. She actually really likes sunglasses, and kept them on for a bit. Then she put them on me. I had lots of tiny fingerprint smudges all over them. Adorable. I think she's the greatest thing since her Uncle Chris and sliced bread.

Chris and I took a nap after the parents left, and his sister and his niece went to a barbeque, and the shadows were getting kind of long, so we wondered if Lake Skinner, which was close by, was doing a fireworks show. We drove the 15 minutes to the lake, and got turned away at the Park Ranger's booth, since the sun was setting, and the park closes then.
On the way home, we stopped at Stater Bros. to buy some Boston Lager (Mmm, Sam Adams!)
When we got home, I taught my baby how to shotgun some beers.


He did jusssst fine.

First one was a little messy for him, I I regressed as he progressed, or maybe, just the third time was a charm.
Somewhere around PBR Shotgun #2, we noticed that there was something reddish brown on his thumb. We both smelled it, tasted it, determined it to be blood, and began inspecting our fingertips, lips, the tops of our hands even, when we couldn't find the place it had come from. We gave up looking, and he got our third beers from the fridge, and noticed that there was a bloody thumbprint on one of the cans. He thought maybe it was beef blood, from some meat thawing in the fridge next to the beers. After a brief pause, we laughed and realized the only way we'd know was when one of us ended up with food poisoning.
We watched fireworks from his sister's balcony and went to bed early to be young sinners in love.

Sunday he made me pancakes again! (YESSS!). AND I got to feed Anais pancakes, too. I let her feed herself most of the time, helping her by sticking pancake bits to the end of her fork. (I think she'll be a lefty!) Hmm... I forget what else we did on Sunday, leading up to visiting the lake, but I think that we were mostly lazy... Oh! No, we took a nap and hid from his sister's friends, then took a shower together, then visited with his brother-for-all-intents-and-puposes, Cesar, and met Cesar's mom and Sister, THEN we went to the lake. My phone was dead by this point, and we had forgotten the camera, so we just took pictures on his phone and DAAAAMN, was it pretty!

I've swam in a lake once in my life and it was not a pleasant experience AT ALL, so for this lake to be so clean and clear and algae free and inviting was just incredible. I wanted to swim sooo bad, but neither of us thought to bring our suits (and even if we had, his trunks and my suit were both under swine flu quarantine). He did take some pictures that came out pretty nice, and here they are:


My face in there somewhere, I promise! I just didn't condition it, and the wind blew it dry!
See how clear and pretty the water is?


I didn't notice til just now, but we are standing in almost exactly the same spot for these photos! Look at those cute, skinny legs!


These were growing all over the highway on the way there, and all around the lake. They are teeny little clusters of white flowers with little pinkish-orange accents. They look dull and ugly until you see them up close, and then they are too fucking cute for words. These flowers are a VICE magazine DO.


Hi, I'm Lake Skinner and I'm just beautiful.


This is still pretty, pretty Lake Skinner. Also, all the pictures at Lake Skinner, with the exception of the picture of Chris, and the picture of his shoes, were taken by him. I'm not so talented. :)


This was the path we walked to the lake. This is the prettiest sight I've seen all year. When we got to the edge, it was about a 4 or 5 foot drop to the shore and the water's edge. So beautiful. My boyfriend takes pretty pictures on his Razr.


I took this one. I liked that his little shoes were abandoned right at the water's edge. I can't wait to swim here with the little fishes and guppies and ducks.

The rest of the weekend is pretty much none of any one else's business.
But yes, things are going quite well.
Yes, I love him more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone, and yes, he referred to his sister as my (future) sister-in-law.
Yes, things are easy between us, until it comes time for one of us to go back home to jobs and responsibilities. That's the only hard part, and it isn't getting any easier, but the love love love keeps us going, and of course, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Ciao for now, my pretties.

xxxx

ignoratio beatitudo est.

but it's rain. but it's rain.

But.
It's.
RAIN.

Of all the boys I've known,
and I've known some,
Until I first met you I was lonesome.
And when you came in sight, dear,
my heart grew light
And this old world seemed new to me!

You're really swell, I have to admit, you
Deserve expressions that really fit you
And so I've wracked my brain, hoping to explain
All the things that you do to me

Bei mir bist du schoen, please let me explain
Bei mir bist du schoen means you're grand
Bei mir bist du schoen, again I'll explain
It means you're the fairest in the land

I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar;
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are
I've tried to explain, bei mir bist du schoen
So kiss me, and say you understand

Bei mir bist du schoen
You've heard it all before, but let me try to explain
Bei mir bist du schoen means that you're grand
Bei mir bist du schoen

Is such an old refrain, and yet I should explain
It means I am begging for your hand

I could say bella, bella, even say wunderbar;
Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are

I've tried to explain, bei mir bist du schoen
So kiss me, and say that you will understand!

...talkin' 'bout the good ol' days like they're the only ones.

So I have to go to Mama's house before I go home tonight to pick up some stuff, then it's home and resting time. I didn't get much sleep this week, so at home, it is vacuum time then bubble bath central, while watching Carnivale.

Shit, there was something else I was going to do, but I forgot it already.

Oh, well.

Kieren will be here tomorrow, Chris will be here this weekend, I get to have my 2 favorite boys on the same continent, but neither of them seems very thrilled, (if you want my opinion).

Almost time to go home now!

xxx

My username came from a song that my friend Holland wrote/sings.

Whoa-oh,
Busy signal.
Your eye is so fickle;
Another endless riddle,
I can't answer you.

It's hard to say, really. I liked stories a lot, and read all the typical ones, watched all the Disney movies (Sleeping Beauty was my favorite), and read a lot of Aesop's fables. Fables were always my favorite because at the end, grandpa would ask what the moral of the story was, and we'd have to guess. I've always been a fan of short stories, too. Not that I don't read the long ones at all, but there is something that is both satisfying and unsatisfying all at once. It satisfies your craving for a story and get's your imagination going. I like that.

---
In other news, I was pretty much an emotional wreck yesterday. I don't know what my problem was, specifically, because the issues at hand should not have affected me the way they did.
I drank yesterday because I was sad, and I am disappointed in myself for doing so. Like, really disappointed. Not only was it irresponsible for me to drink on a work night, it was irresponsible of me to get so drunk that I threw up.
I did, however, have a somewhat coherent talk with April, and we agreed that I need to settle in @ Anaheim. She pointed out that I've lived there for 6 months, and still have hung anything up on my walls, or gotten the rest of my stuff from my mom's, etc. I think that she may be right. I do feel unsettled, or like I am just floating around, and home doesn't even feel like home so I have no safe place, unless I'm with Chris. She also pointed out how unhealthy THAT was becoming.
"If Chris is the only thing that makes you happy, that is a big burden for you to put on him, and that's not fair," she told me. And it isn't. Lots of things make me happy, but I don't even touch anything else anymore because all I can think about is the next time I'll see him or talk to him. I think he's getting the same way, especially since he says he feels safest in my room. I never feel safer than when we are hermit-ing it up on my bed, with laptop cords tangled up in blankets and, oh. I had just better stop before I get homesick for it. :)

Today, I am going home, and I'm not bringing my laptop inside. I'm not going to work at all tonight. I'm going to deposit my paycheck and buy some wall screws to hang up my pictures. I'm also going to bring home my cork board so I can stick stuff up. I have some organizing bins here at the office, too, that Todd said I could borrow, so I'll see if that still stands. Feeling comfortable at my own house is top of the list for me today, especially after my behavior last night.
(I also woke mom up in the middle of the night, talking to her about Chris' poor tooth, or so she says. Sorry mama!)

Aside from being stupendously busy today, it has been mostly okay. Headache was chased away with aspirin and caffeine and a Mango Madness from 'Zona Teas, so today has been fairly productive. The office is a weird kind of busy. I'll think I have a second to pee, or take a 10, or clean off my desk (it's terrible right now) and then BOOM. all phones ringing off the hook, faxes coming in, Time sheets piling up, email inboxes approaching capacity.... I'll be happy when summer ends here at SV, but I always beg for it to come back when winter rolls around, because things go so much faster in the summer.

I also have to make 3 matchbook 'zines and crochet, stitch, or felt a bird for another swap I'm in, and the deadlines were like, a week ago. (Oops. My B.) I've just been busy with other shit, is all.

Shit, I have to clean out my car, too, that needs to go on my imaginary list. I need to make that a real list. (done, but it's on my hand now, so at least I can't lose it).

And with that, I'll leave you this:

Drank too much Mickey's last night and was up waaaaaaaay too late. I'll suffer for it today/this morning/right now.

I have been overthinking and drinking and worrying and missing.
i just want to not feel alone right now.
I wonder what is going on in the other places of where I am. I'm not lonely everywhere.

I used to miss the Dobbins house. That was my favorite place to be for a long time, regardless of what I found there. I am more inclined now, to just want a house away from it all. I don't want to have to go to far to get into town, but a nice size piece of land with a modest little house on it and room for my chickens (he promised I could have them) would make me quite happy. I'd like to have a dairy goat too, preferably a Nubian, like my Grandparents had, but I'd settle for a pygmy goat, too.

For the most part, I don't care, as long as I get to be there with him.

I have this memory foam pillow. There is one teensy brown spot on it, much smaller than a dime, from when I bit my lip during a nightmare. It was hard enough to draw at least one drop and make my lip stick to the pillow case (and painfully so!) the next morning.

I can sometimes almost confuse the pillow for the weight of you in my arms. That is, if I am in the half dreaming, half awake place where reality is still hazy. I've perfected this way to trick myself into a peaceful sleep, but I'm not sure if it is helping me or hindering me at this point.

I make my bed on nights when you aren't here to distract myself from your absence. Otherwise, I would just make sure the fitted sheet was secured, (I hate laying on the bare mattress) and climb in bed next to you, pressing my face against your cool back with my arms 'round your middle, or with my head on your chest with my ear over your heart, and wait for your heart beat to lull me to sleep.

Tonight, I made the bed and tucked my sheets in, spread out the big green blanket, with the little one folded at my feet. I thrashed around restlessly for a bit, trying to get comfortable on your side of the bed. It didn't feel right. Not because of that morning before work when we broke the box spring (oops) that causes the mattress to sag (note to self:: get 2x4s and fix that shit already), but because that is where YOU should be, and sometimes I just can't get over the emptiness of not having you in bed with me. It's getting so that the smell of myself reminds me of you, and it makes me miss you that much more when we're apart.

Somehow, in all of my thrashing, I ended up wrapped like a burrito in the big green blanket, my body pillow kicked to the floor and most of my body resting on top of the pillow that is so giant it isn't even awesome anymore, and there I was, in that hazy place between the things in my head and the things outside of it, and I thought I felt you pressed against me and I felt all the things I'd been carrying all day and stressing about just blow away, like smoke or dust.

I reached an arm behind me, my hand seeking your own, or maybe I just wanted to touch your thigh or feel the hem of your plaid cotton boxer shorts. But you weren't there, it was just space-age memory foam and my empty side of the bed.

I'm too co-dependent, I think, and I miss you. Sometimes too much for my own good.

since I met you, I can't think of nothin' else.
all you gotta do is look my way and my
heart starts to melt
if you want this lovin' then come get some i've been
saving up
i sure haven't been trying to hard to hide that you're the one i
want







by holly g